On The Threshold

As we end this year, I find it to be bittersweet. There have been great things, good things, struggles and tragedies... An ordinary year, I suppose.

I don't wish to be exempt from heartache or my own burdens. That wouldn't be fair at all. But I do have one tiny request.

We never know what the coming year will bring. We paint it with hopes and dreams at the very beginning and lift it up into your hands... as it should be. But life has its way with you, no matter the potential. I know it's for our own good most times that you allow the hurts. It keeps us humble and right-size. It makes us understand what is important and what can better be left to you to handle.

But no matter where we turn we can see pain and suffering, All we have to really do is turn on the TV. The 'news' is almost always bad. If you're not afraid or paranoid when you turn it on, it doesn't take long to get that way. Oh sure, now and then we hear of the Good Samaritan extending kindnesses, even saving lives. Or maybe there's a cute story about Little Johnny and his view of free enterprise as he sets up his lemonade stand.

I guess what I'm saying is that I need more Good News. It can't get any better than knowing I am Your Child. But you know how I am in my humanness... I forget and need to be reminded. It isn't that I don't seek the Good News. It's just so hard to find in a world filled with hate and wars and famine and.... well, you know.

So as I cross the threshold into 2010, let me not only see the goodness of life, let me show it to others too. Don't let me get wound up in all the negativity that seems to surround me. Let me be a beacon of light so others will know how Good and Kind YOU are.

Once again, God... Thanks for listening... And by the way... Happy New Year to YOU too.

The Christmas Story

The Christmas Story

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"--which means, "God with us."

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him."

When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people's chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Christ was to be born. "In Bethlehem in Judea," they replied, "for this is what the prophet has written: "'But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will be the shepherd of my people Israel.'" Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.

On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.

When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. "Get up," he said, "take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him."

So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: "Out of Egypt I called my son."

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: "A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more."

After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, "Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child's life are dead."

So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets: "He will be called a Nazarene."

--Matthew 1:18 - 2:23 New International Version

Living Water

I thank you God for the quenching, but mostly... I thank you for the thirst.

No Missing Person Here

And if there is one... it isn't Him.

The Keys to the Kingdom

Necklace design by Kellie Bock

http://thekeysofthekingdom.com/index.php

God stepped forth from the shadows and Light filled the universe. He walked toward her with a small box in His hands. Without a word he handed her the box and Lo, given unto her were the keys to the kingdom.

"What shall I do with these?" she asked. "Indeed, for what good are they intended?"

And he replied, "Do you not see their value? Do you not know what treasures they unlock? Come. Let me show you."

She followed Him to the edge of the precipice. As they looked out over the great landscape bustling with life He asked, "What do you see?"

She answered Him timidly, "I see cities and empires, forests and seas, animals and mountains, I see all of these. I see your Kingdom."

"And yet..." He paused to think, "This is but a small portion of the Kingdom. This is the end result of what you hold in your hand. You cannot get there until you unlock the most vast and sprawling land there is first."

She stood puzzled and bewildered. The land before her was the largest kingdom she had ever seen. What could possibly be larger than this?

As if hearing her question, He continued. "Take these keys and insert them into the lining of your heart. Here you will find a territory whose breadth, height and width cannot be measured. It is in the valley of the heart where all wisdom and knowledge lies. It is there that you will find how to use the keys given to you this day.

"Be patient with yourself (and others). Be kind. Know that inside you lies the greatest measure of good and value there is in the whole universe. Access this holy ground and the rest of the universe is yours. Marvel at its existence. Take in its beauty. Know that it is there just for you.

"And then, as in all good things, share unselfishly what you have found with others that they too may know the beauty of Heaven on Earth. Be brave and relentless in your adventure. Tell every person you meet of your discovery. Beware though. Some will not believe you. It is the way of some humans. Despair not.

"In the end, you will have spread the joy you found this day: That the Authority of Jesus is the One True Authority. That the Power of the Holy Spirit is within each and every individual. And that you have Dominion over the All the Earth and everything in it. It is then you will know your true legacy... You are a Child of the Living God, and as such, you can neither be destroyed nor diminished.

"Now go claim your Kingdom. I created it just for you."

In an instant, He was gone and she was left standing there surveying the great expanse with the keys in her hand. And yet she knew that her life had been forever changed. She would never again be the same.

She took the first key and inserted it into the lining of her heart...

Mastercard

Because there's some things that money just can't buy.

Pressure

Sometimes I feel pressure, God. Maybe it isn't meant to be that way, but it is nonetheless how I feel. It's like I'm in a pressure cooker. At those times I try to not think at all and just let whatever thoughts drift in and out.

And so Coleen came to mind earlier. She had a way of making a point and making you laugh at the same time. Oh, how I miss that! And that reminded me of the time she described to me what it was like to have children.

"They're like leeches," she said, with the straightest face you could imagine. I always thought she knew how naive I was and so she did that kind of thing for shock value. Truth be known, it worked better than she could have hoped for. I was mortified. And fully aware of that fact, she emphasized the statement with, "It's true!" I'd lie awake sometimes thinking about what she said and how she could say that stuff out loud and not worry about whether she could be committed or not.

And so after having proclaimed her kids leeches she went on to explain. "During pregnancy you're not really aware of how much pain and interference these little things are going to make in your life. The first pregnancy, that is. After that it's all a case of I should have known better."

I nodded (like I would have known never having had any). She continued, "But the very first time you become painfully aware of how much pain is involved is when you realize that you are trying to force something the size of a bowling ball out of an orifice that is the size of a golf ball. Dark thoughts embrace your every fiber in that moment of realization. And you can't wait to get even. The problem is... you never do."

"So then the sweet little darlings suckle at your breast for an eternity. But you have to believe that it will end one day. Your nipples crack and are in such pain that you are sure the only remedy is surgical removal. The meat cleaver in the kitchen becomes oddly the tool of choice as you ponder exactly how much pain that would be."

Needless to say, at this point I am questioning my friend's sanity. But it gets worse.

"The next thing you know, breast feeding is all done... Yippee, thank you, God! But are those critters done with their dependency on you? Oh NO! In reality it's only begun. It's not too bad until they get legs underneath themselves. You can pretty much contain them in a playpen or a crib. But once they're mobile, forget it. They're like rats on roller skates. How do you think they came up with that little term of endearment 'rug rats' anyway?"

She paused as if she were reliving a particular moment in time and at the same time things were beginning to have some clarity for me. I shuddered at the thought. Kids being leeches was making sense to me!? OMG, had I gone over the edge? But like three paragraphs back... the worst (best?) is yet to come.

"Somewhere around three or four you realize that they have attached themselves to you. No matter where you go, no matter how hard you try to hide, there they are... ON you. Leeches, I tell you. You wake up in the morning and in the night one (or all of them) have had a bad dream. There they are ON you. There's one on your shoulder, one in your back so you can't roll over, one at your front so you can't get up. It's a hostage situation for sure.

"When you are finally able to make it out of the bed and into the bathroom, there's a skirmish outside the door. Who knows what they are fighting about so early? Who cares? It's then that you realize you will never again get five minutes peace until... well... until... oh God.... NEVER! You feel yourself slipping away. But you muster every bit of energy you can, brush your teeth, drag a comb through your hair, and go down the stairs to make breakfast. As the coffee brews you find a renewed sense of gratitude as you realize it could be worse. You nearly cry to know you will never be able to personally thank the guy who invented school.

"As you watch them go out the door for school you make a silent wish... 'Please don't come back until you are 35.' It's then you know wishes like that don't come true. But you thank the Lord you have the whole day to yourself... as if! There's a price to be paid for those 'precious packages.' It's called housework, endless, perpetual housework. You get what you can done and hope for the best. It never happens."

I'm exhausted just listening to her, but she's just getting wound up it seems.

"They come flying through the door, literally, screaming for something to eat. Carnivorous little creeps. And then they take their place ON you once more. They all want your attention at once. Me first... that's all you hear. One is nearly as tall as you and is blaring in your ear. One on the left has me around the waist... Mom, Mom, Mom! The little one grabs for what he can and is wound around my leg."

She stands up to show me what she means. Her arms are flailing all around. Her face gets red and I think her blood pressure is a kabillion over whatever. And she says, "Just once... JUST ONCE, I'd like to take them like this.." And her hand goes up to her shoulder. She grabs some air and very briskly and forcefully throws it on the ground saying very loud and in a near tearful stage, 'JUST GET OFF ME!'"

"They're leeches I tell you. And they never leave. They will be with me to my dying day competing for attention and having to have a piece of me." And then she sat down exhausted from the pressure of it all. For once I didn't feel so bad about never having kids. I could count this as one of my blessings before I went to sleep tonight. And then her face softened to the Coleen I loved and adored for her strength and she said, "But you know, Sal, I wouldn't change a thing."

I've recounted that conversation dozens of times. It was probably the best and most honest description of having children I have ever heard. And I learned a lot that day. Pressure is different things to different people. What is a breeze for some may be a tightrope for others. My dilemma may just be your walk in the park.

Coleen's kids have had to let go... permanently. She died a few years ago so very young at 55. But her laughter and perspectives live on as long as I have anything to say about it. She lived and loved and laughed and cried. She did it all with a verve I could only hope for. She died very quickly and suddenly.... just like she lived. I don't think she had any regrets. What better way to live than that?

My pressures seem trivial now that I've had this memory. At the appointed hour it will be only me who dies. In the meantime, let me live... perhaps not as I should, maybe not even as I like. Just let me live my life to the fullest so that when that time comes, I will have no regrets. Thanks for the soul print, Coleen. Thanks for the pressure release, God.

The Fall

Dear God, I fell.

It wouldn't have been so bad I suppose except it was the second time in as many days. I sat with Grace nursing my wounded knee and shoulder lamenting on the condition of the world in general.

In a moment of silence a thought came to me - "It's not the first time you've fallen, and perhaps not the last time either." I got to thinking about falling. Grace is so good to me to point out things like that.

At first the thoughts didn't progress too well. But I was determined to think it out until it was exhausted. That's another thing that Grace allows me... the time to let all the ideas flow and come to fruition. She nudges me and then just lets me be.

But as most ideas go, the thoughts began to fall into a rhythm of their own and before I knew it myriad ideas of falling crept in upon my consciousness. Only a few held any positive aspects to them. But as I dug deeper I found that most terms weren't all that great.

Of course the first one I would think of was that glorious feeling of falling in love. I fell for you... OMG what a fall to take! Especially when you fall head over heels. It's the only way to do it if you want to do it right.

Day breaks but for some reason night falls. I thought that was odd. Nature has a lot of falling. The tides fall, snow and rain falls, leaves and stars fall. There are, of course, waterfalls. And let's not forget the air pressure and how we hate to see it fall. All the rain it brings falls short of any hope of sunshine for a while.

My thoughts shifted to people after the nature trail. That's where the troubles began to fall into line. All this thought provoking exercise was showing me was that it wasn't as easy as falling off a log to delve into the falling experience.

I always say that people are strange birds. When that came to mind I was reminded of falling in dreams and how you never want to get to the Splat point. On the other hand there was the freedom one could feel in free falling like in skydiving. I always wished I had done that.

But then things started to get ugly as I probed further into the falling realm. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. I could have fallen over backwards the first time I ever heard that! But then I had to count the times I had fallen for all manner of stupidity. I felt the redness fill my cheeks as the memories came rushing in.

Yes, I had fallen prey to schemes from many people in my younger days. I had believed the poison that fell from insincere lips. More times than I care to count I took the fall for someone else's behaviour. And I had believed those people who fell all over themselves to make an impression on me. I wasn't too smart back then. At that moment I wished all the falling thoughts would fall away, but to no avail.

Back in the day when I was more resilient I had fallen flat on my face more times than I could count. But every time I fell down, I picked myself up and got on with life. I had my youth to fall back on. And the more that things fell through and I fell behind, the more determined I would be to press onward.

My thinking was that sooner or later things would fall into place. I didn't know how, why or when, but it just seemed that the odds would dictate a better outcome SOMEday. But the fates would fall upon me and I would not know true happiness for a very long time.

I felt my face fall when that thought entered my mind. So I asked myself, "What was your greatest fall?" The answer didn't come soon. But I had been with Grace long enough to know I had to be patient. And so I just sat for a while.

I had lead a truly imperfect life filled with doubts and demons. I fell in with a bad group of people and nearly destroyed myself in the process. To the victor falls the spoils. But I would never know that feeling. My fall from power was of a personal nature. It was the willing relinquishment of any choice I had over my own life that was the hardest part to own up to. I believed I had fallen through the cracks. Happiness just wasn't in the cards I had been dealt.

I had pointed the finger at the world, at You, God. My whining fell on deaf ears most times. I had a falling out with just about every person I ever knew. I couldn't (or wouldn't) believe the things a lot of them had to say to me. Many times they were right. I can see that in all clarity now.

In the end, the responsibility would fall on me for the choices I had made or refused to make. It was as if I were living in a non-waking state, like that feeling you get as you're falling asleep. It was a nowhere land. I had fallen ill so many years before. It was an illness of the soul. The lies I told myself ripped a hole in my soul and at the same time built a wall around it. Nothing could get in, nothing could get out. My darkest hope was that I would just fall off the face of the earth and that would take care of that problem.

But in Your Infinite Compassion You saw fit to help me to change. A flicker of a light fell upon the corner of my eye and I began to hope again for the first time in a very long time. Perhaps I wasn't falling apart after all. My fall into the ways of the world had to be seen for what it was, a mistake. But in the end I would have to come to know my greatest fall of all. That was the hardest one to accept.

These little scrapes will heal. The soreness will go away. But when I look back now, I know I had to do all those things to get to You. I had to take every fall and come out the other end of it. I'm no Icarus. My wings didn't melt because of the sun. But much the same as he, my fall was of my own doing. All along You were there, but I was blind and could not see. From where I sit now I know I have survived the greatest fall of all - my fall from Grace, Your Grace. What else could I possibly fear now? Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't or wouldn't myself.

　

The Healer

I'm just sitting here recalling

how I hated I was falling

as I saw the floor was rising to my face

But in that moment was a blessing

I could feel His hand just pressing

ever upward in His all amazing grace

He not only saved me that day

but each and every day in some way

from those things over which there's no control

I'm embarrassed how I falter

ever-stumbling to His altar

ever seeking even more than is my dole

I should lay before Him prone

knowing well that on my own

there is nothing in this world that I can do

without Him right there by my side

The Great King who for me died

is the Fixer and the Healer through and through

Eternal Life

Dear God...

How can I possibly be worthy of Your gift of Eternal Life when I can't follow your rules? I can't imagine your boundless love. How can I be important to you when many times I am not important to myself?

I can't even wrap my mind around eternal life. I look back over the landscape of the lands I have traveled in this life and that feels like an eternity to me.

I doubt anyone comes to you fully ready to die. There has to be regrets of things undone, unfinished, unattained. And yet the transition is made.

Is it true that as long as someone thinks of us we live on? I wonder who will think of me. I wonder whose life I have touched (good or bad) that they would be bothered to invest a thought in me after I am gone.

It all seems so complex to fathom. When I stumble on an answer it only reveals more questions. Maybe that's it... we live only as long as we don't believe we know everything there is to know.

As always... I thank you for listening.

Infinity... And Beyond

in·fin'·i·ty NOUN:

1. The quality or condition of being infinite.
2. Unbounded space, time, or quantity.
3. An indefinitely large number or amount.

I particularly am intrigued by number two. Unbounded, limitless, immeasurable, inexhaustible, perpetual and eternal.

It's no wonder I can't fathom your boundless love, God. Or your entirety. Or your flowing Grace. I suppose this is how the word 'awe' materialized. So that we could marvel at all the things we could not comprehend.

For me... I marvel at the marveling. And I thank you for those moments I do.

The Burden of Knowledge

Hello God. I've been thinking again. And you know how that goes.

It seems at times that having knowledge about certain subjects is a burden to be carried. I'm not complaining. I'm just confused. So maybe you can help me out on this one if you're not too busy.

You tell us to treat others as we would have ourselves be treated. That's a good thing. Yet there are times when it seems as though the knowledge one possesses is usurped at the expense of the person possessing it. I suppose it is better to know certain things than to not know. And to freely share it is surely a talent that has only been given by You. But is it fair to be selective about who you give it to? I wonder if that makes any sense to You... You who have given Your life for us. Do you think that a person is being stingy when they become selective?

Perhaps it is my perspective that is askew. It could possibly be that this knowledge is not a burden at all. Perhaps it was given by You to hone character and develop the person into a loving image of You. It's all too complex for me, I think.

I would rather be the trees in winter holding a new fallen snow silently and graciously, than be the person who thinks the knowledge is some sort of horrific burden to be endured rather than a gift to be shared. Help me to be that person, Dear God. Help me to be more benevolent and let Your Light shine through me.

Salvation

I wonder about salvation all the time, God. I have no concept of a Love as great as Yours. I suppose the good news is that I am aware. It leaves a lot of room for improvement. So today I contemplate that word and its meaning. As I watch the following demonstration, I imagine all the pieces of the fabric of my life falling into place so neatly, so tidily. Perhaps one day, huh? Just maybe...




ImageChef.com Photo Frames

Not Exactly A Gift

It's not exactly a gift. Or so he said when he brought me the lamp. "You can't HAVE it," he said, "but you can USE it." For me it's a gift no matter the length of stay. For me, it IS a gift.

As you always point out, God... it's all in the perspective. The gift of light is the gift of hope, forever reminding me to count my blessings. It must be higher math, God. Too soon I forget about doing that. We humans are strange creatures in that we can find that same math to 'keep score' or to calculate our number of injuries. But how easy it is for us to 'forget' to count our blessings.

I thank you for this gentle reminder today. I needed it so very much.

The Fork in the Road

I get so confused, God. I sometimes don't know which way to turn or which way to go. Your gift of discernment escapes me many times. Too often I'm left standing looking at the fork in the road, paralyzed, unable to move on.

Try as I may, I can't seem to move forward. There is no moving left or right. And certainly, there is no retreat. It's as though I am removed from my body and I'm watching myself. The sensation is so strange. It's like me doesn't feel like me.

The usual stance is to just wait until the uncomfortable becomes unbearable. This time I want it to be different. I know that even inaction is action of a sort. For once, I want to see that fork and move beyond it. Not because it's so intolerable, but because it is the right thing to do to get out of the paralyzation.

Thank you for listening. And thank you in advance for your help. It always comes.

The Power of the Rose

Hello God...

I just wrote a note to a friend. I signed it with my new name, SallyRose. I sat back and just looked at it sitting there on the page, how the letters all fit just right, and how I felt so lost before I knew it.

The other name was harsh and hard. It never fit. But I didn't know what to do to feel true to myself. And then that moment happened. Remember? A misreading on the part of that same friend. I corrected them, but still they insisted that they had read SallyRose. They went to look at a piece I had written and came back stunned over what they had found.

Some time passed and I knew if I were to try to get published I couldn't go with the original name. But what then? And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to fit... SallyRose, SallyRose....

I thank you for that glitch in time, God. I thank you for my friend. I thank you for the misreading. I thank you for the change in me since I adopted the new name. They were right. I can still have strength without having to have that hard name.

Long live the power of the rose!

The Dreamcatcher

I awoke from that shrieking sound. It encompassed me and seemed to swallow me up. And then I realized it was me who was screaming.

What was that, God? What was so horrible I cannot remember it? Maybe it's just as well, huh? I prefer those silent dreams of silken breezes and gossamer wings. But then... they can't all be sweetness and joy.

Perhaps the dreamcatcher will find something more soothing the next time around.

Grace

For a long time I didn't know of your Grace. Oh I had heard of it. Aunt Ellie used to talk about God's favors, His Grace. She may as well have been talking about the development of rocket fuel as far as I was concerned.

She pointed out to me several times in her life that God had reached out his hand and helped her. I was happy for her really. I just couldn't see what good all this talking had to do with it. It wasn't as if He was going to reach out that same hand to me or anyone else. I thought she was special and deserved it so much more than myself or more than half the people I knew. In that sense it was perfectly clear to me why He would bestow all those blessings on her.

And then a long fast forward... and His hand reached down at a time when I was broken. His Grace flooded my life and I was wrenched back from the brink of a sure death. Not a lot changed in the following few years. Outside circumstances did. But inside I was still a shriveled mess doomed to mediocrity at best.

Another fast forward... and His hand reached down at a time when I was broken. His Grace flooded my life and I was wrenched back from the brink of a sure death. But this time everything changed.

To be granted Grace in one's lifetime is the most absolute blessing one can receive. But twice? The odds are phenomenal.

Aunt Ellie has long passed now. Her words ring in my ears many days. They are no longer rocket science to me. She would have loved this poster. It symbolizes how willing we are to drink of the Living Blood of God when situations and circumstances are going in our favor. But how willing are we to stand steadfast in times of trouble and worry?

Like bebes we cry out and are fed unselfishly. Were it that we should be so blessed as to always have our way. But troubles hone character and dignity. With them comes growth that we should grasp with all the fervor that we held the bottle as a bebe. For in letting go we find more to hang onto. In letting go we find ourselves amid the Grace of the Living God.

Help Me

God, how does one replace a feeling inside? How can one feel a wholeness when there is a great hole? And I don't mean being separate from you or feeling apart from family and friends. I mean that feeling when you know that nothing will ever be quite the same again. How does one get rid of that sick hole in their heart?

I want to feel safe again like I did when I was a child. I want that feeling that if I remember that I forgot to lock the door I don't have to rush to lock it before the boogie men come in a home invasion.

I want that carefree feeling that I can walk the streets and not feel like a mark for some mugger, rapist or murderer.

I want to go into a mall and not have to worry that some nut is going to come in and start randomly shooting helpless victims.

I want to know that my friends children can go to school and only have to worry about a little peer pressure, not weapons and drugs.

I want to feel free to travel without having to practically strip at the check in point. And once past it, I don't want to have to worry about sitting inside the perfect bomb if hijackers decide to go home and decide to take the whole of the plane with them.

When exactly was it that the world went crazy? What happened to the gene pool that suddenly bred such mutations of humanity? Who decided to tell only the news that they thought we should know and not the truth? Why now? What does a person do now? Help me understand. Let me not forget the atrocities that man has done to man. Help me forgive them and give me hope.

Seeing God's Heart

Dear God...

As I was combing the Internet for pictures, I ran across this picture. All I could think when I looked at it was that it was Your Heart. Captured by the Hubble telescope, it is very inappropriately named by a series of numbers and letters: V838 Mon. How demeaning to a Glorious God. I choose to call it God's Heart.

There are many fabulous photos circulating that were taken by the Hubble. It shows Your Glory and You magnificent imagination. I could never dream of such images. But I will now. Thank you for leading me to them.

Risky Business

It has been an enlightening day, God. Risk has never come easy for me. I would rather say nothing than feel threatened. But I have learned to trust in the small voice within which I believe is You.

　

I ask myself questions. It helps me to know if it is just my will overriding Yours. Always the hardest question is, "What will be the result of my inaction?" Even doing nothing is a choice. Is it the choice You would have me make?

　

I sat for a long time to evaluate the risk. What was the compromise to be made, if any? How would the person's opinion of me change? How would I feel if it did? Was this menacing feeling valid or was it simply trying to convince me to do nothing?

　

In the end, I realized I was prompted to take the risk for a reason. Those impulses don't come out of thin air. I choose to believe it is You nudging me. For if I was stirred so deeply, who is to say that someone else would not be? Who am I to withhold another person's pleasure and/or enlightenment? I decided to heed the call from within.

　

I got one response. It was uplifting. I wonder how I might have felt if it wasn't. In any event, I feel good that I just obeyed. I believe the little push came from You. It is all the stimulus I will ever need. That's all I need to know.

Patience

I write it in the sand and wait for the waves to come to wash it away. As if that might be an indication that it would be all right to lose it! Who do I think I am?

Am I exempt from the drudgery of the trials which come with daily living? Am I to be delivered from the courage it takes to get through the pain? Is my path to be an easier, softer trudge than my neighbor's? Who do I think I am?

Where is it written that my lesson today should come easy? Who is it that told me life was fair? Where is the justice in being elite? Who do I think I am?

I was told long ago that I have patience right up until the time I lose it. I believed it then. I believe it now. So God... who do I think I am?

OMG Can You Hear Me?

It seems like every time I come to you, God, it's always a petition. I suppose I know that's not entirely true, but lately I've been so needy and help is so very hard to find. I'm at my wit's end. You know the help I need. And it isn't something that should be put off. It's just a small favor I need and will only take about ten minutes. Please send an angel to help me.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Inspiration

It was a wonderful day I spent with you, God. I felt as though there was nothing I couldn't do. The ideas came so fast that I was afraid I would miss one in the swirling of the thoughts.

Thoughts are strange creatures to me. I am constantly amazed at how one day it doesn't seem that I have one intelligible thought. And then the next day I am flooded with them. Inspiration is a funny thing and it's one of those things that you either have it or you don't.

On the days I don't I sometimes feel guilty. I wonder if I offended you and you hardened my heart to all the good things in life. But then the good days come and I feel as though I am back in your Graces once more.

The reality is I am never out of grace with you. It is only my perception that makes it so. I anxiously await another day like this one. My heart is light and my senses are filled with hope and serenity.

Thank you for listening. You are an Awesome God.

2x4 to the Side of the Head

I wonder, God. How many times will I have to get this 2x4 up side of the head before I just listen without questioning? You know I have already had enough of them to build a house ten times over. But does that sway me? Noooooooo!!!!!!

Maybe one day I will learn. In the meantime, thank you for putting up with me. I'm beginning to think I'm a horrible kid.

The Last Resort

You know, God, I've shut you out once again. I know it's not a news flash to you. I didn't even realize I was doing it.

　

The pain was so much. I hurt at a level I didn't think the human spirit could endure. And even though my heart knew the answer, my head wouldn't allow me me go there. I now feel embarrassed and unworthy of your attention. Why is it that I place you in such low regard? You should be my first option, not my last.

　

But I am human. I make mistakes by very definition of the word. I haven't chosen wisely with this power of free will you have so lovingly bestowed upon me. Help me to know that in spite of my blindness, You will always lead me back to You.

　

As always, I thank you for listening to me and putting up with my inconsistencies.

Helping Hands

Hello again, God. I have the feeling we will be talking much more frequently.

Did you ever notice how willing we humans are to give our power away? I'm sure you have. But I always thought it was that other people stole it away somehow, that sometimes we were just powerless to do anything about it. In some instances that is true. But for the most part, we just hand it over, no questions asked.

Yes, we have lots of phrases that describe just how powerless we are. But I wonder... could it be that we are simply too afraid to strive beyond that powerlessness? And maybe for some, we are just too lazy? I mean, really, you have to "hand it to" the human condition to justify their own failures and shortcomings.

"On the other hand"...

We do have positive sayings about power and hands:

We remind ourselves not to boast about our generosity by telling ourselves, "Don't let the left hand know what the right one is doing." We warn ourselves against risky behaviour with the sentence, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." And we learn to repay favors by noting that "one hand washes the other." It doesn't hurt to be someone's "right-hand man" nor to make money "hand over fist." Having a "hands on" approach to any situation assures our involvement. And it's good to have solutions "at hand and on hand." Yes, a helping hand is a wonderful thing.

So if those phrases denote power, how can the word hand possibly be associated with powerlessness?

Well, we do it a lot with doctors saying, "It's out of my hands now. Doctor knows best." Other times we render ourselves powerless by using phrases like "my hands were tied, there was nothing I could do."

It can start out innocently enough. "Hand it over!" we bark, which automatically places the other person on the defense. Or maybe we overhear someone saying we were left "on their hands." That sure doesn't give you a case of the warm fuzzies. And having you "eating out of their hand" has the same effect. No one likes to feel inferior. And what about "living hand to mouth?" That can't be very soothing to feel that powerless.

You could "wash your hands" of the whole situation because you don't want to "dirty your hands." But then you also know that "idle hands are the devil's workshop," so be careful about being inactive. After all, "cold hands mean a warm heart." So be good to yourself. You could be "winning hands down" before long.

Before you "throw you hands in the air" and write me off as a nut, let me tell you how I came to this page. If nothing else, in the end we can just "shake hands" and agree to disagree.

I sat before the DVD player knowing the information I held was invaluable. It was the beginning to a new life. A life that was going to help me take my power back. All I had to do was follow the instructions. What a concept! Never before had I been "handed" a solution to what was wrong with me. Yes, "handed," bestowed, Graced.

I was so tired of feeling powerless. I was terrified at the prospect of just one more failure. And then I became very aware of my hands with the DVDs in them, and I just knew. "Hand in hand" with you I could do it. You've given me the tools. You've given me the support. And you've given me the ONE sentence to accomplish the task "at hand," to take back my personal power and live more fully.

"The best helping hand you will ever find is at the end of your own wrist."

I sat there looking at the future in my own hands. I turned the DVD on... and began anew, refreshed, hopeful. Thank you for allowing me to see who is in control.

No Rhyme Or Reason

Well, God, what was all that today? I must have gone through a whole box of tissue. Emotional pain comes with a lot of different territories, but this kind of episode leaves me questioning my sanity.

The more I thought of stopping, the worse it got. The more I tried to think of happy things, the more the files of horror came to mind. And the more desperate I felt to feel connected to you, the more alone I felt. Now I feel inferior and defective, drained and whipped.

Most times when a person feels bad enough to cry at least they know why they are crying. I had no clue. I still don't. But at least it has stopped for now.

My hope is to discover before long what it was all about. There is no rhyme or reason to the timing of these events. Maybe one day I will come to know the reasons for them and even appreciate that they happen. But for today, I am just glad it's over.

Thanks for listening once again.

Patience

You know, God, the World Summit has brought up all sorts of feelings. I know the feelings in and of themselves won't hurt me. But why do I have to keep reliving all this stuff?

The technique promises that it won't reoccur. And if it does then the feelings attached will more or less be neutralized. That hasn't happened yet. Maybe it's just a matter of repetition and determination. That's what I keep hearing. So it must be true. But the process isn't very gentle. Maybe I'm hoping for too much, too soon. I don't know. Maybe I just don't have any patience.

I'm going to give it over to you for now. It's more than I can bear. When it's time, let me know what and when to do the things I need to do...

As always, I thank You.

Faith vs. Fear

There's so many things coming up, God. And all at the same time. It's feast or famine, the mountaintop or the desert. There doesn't seem to be any in between. And all it does is reinforce my black and white thinking; that things are either/or, good/bad, right/wrong.

Intellectually I know that isn't true. But in my heart, where my feelings live, it doesn't know that. It's taken along for the ride and the highs and lows only stress it out more. How do I cope with all these issues at one time?

I've been told that worry is a lack of faith, that worry is fear. You know I don't want to live that way. You know I want to be a beacon for others to point them to You. How can I do that if I'm riddled with fear? How can I claim to know You when it's obvious to me that I can't allow myself to trust completely?

Take all this tension and worry from me. Allow me just to be in Your presence and to feel You near. Let me know Your love and abundance. Help me to be that person I wish to be, made in your image to reflect the love You have for this world.

I want no special favors. I only want what is rightfully mine. As Your child, I deserve to feel Your Grace since you have so unselfishly bestowed so much of it on me. I love those moments when I just know who I am, when there isn't a questioning bone in my body. Take this worry from me and let me shine.

I thank You for all You have done for me, all You do on a daily basis for me, and all You will do in the future. You are an Awesome God.

The Seed

Can you hear me, God?

How does this happen? I give and give and give... and then when I need something, anything it seems, I have to grovel in order to get it. Why is that?

I have learned there is only one thing a person has to do to be of value in this life. Just ONE thing, and yet most people have no clue about what it is. It's called paying attention. How hard can that be? It must be a very difficult task because it is nearly impossible to find another soul who understands exactly what that is. And it's virtually impossible to see someone else practice it.

I don't think I'm the strange one on this matter, but please let me know if I am wrong. I realize there are people who can't listen very well. I was on that list long ago. But along the way I came to know that a conversation is more than waiting for the other person to take a breath so I can rush in and blurt out my own ideas. I impart no great wisdom anyway. Most of my thoughts and advice aren't even original. I just pass on what has worked for me given to me by unselfish people who took the time to really listen to me.

The older I get, the more I feel that the world has turned sour and uncaring. And then I have those times where everyone is compassionate and giving and I am left feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself. But this time, God, this time, I really needed someone to listen. Phone calls weren't answered, much less returned. And so I'm left without options just one more time.

It's all about you anyway - trusting in you and believing that all is well in my world. And if it isn't, then it will be. Faith is a funny thing. Just when you think you don't have any you find you have just enough to see you through just one more minute, one more hour, one more day. I guess it's that mustard seed thing, huh?

Thanks for listening to me. I feel a lot better now. I know when no one else is home you are. When will I learn? I should have gone to you in the first place!

Shattered

Life was in slow motion as the vase slipped from my hands and slid through the air to the floor. That sensation of time suspension felt awkwardly familiar, but I couldn't place it just then. A thousand thoughts were running through my mind in that instant, and yet I could give attention to none of them in particular.

My disappointment overshadowed all the work I had accomplished so far today. Glass and cement don't mix. Neither do old age and moving. I felt those burning, stinging tears rise up to singe my eyeballs. Immediately I went to Grace for comfort... and answers.

My grief over the vase was misplaced and exaggerated. I had had it three days and had not even had a chance to become attached to it. It wasn't a gift unless you count the fact that I bought it for myself. In reality, I didn't even like it. But there was so much blue in the new apartment and I wanted something to match it. What disturbed me was that the grief wasn't matching the loss.

I sat at the window. Yesterday's inspiration of flowers adorning the sill was gone. The sky suited my mood, overcast and grey. Leftover leaves from the fall swirled in the wind. "Help me, Grace," I thought. "Why am I so upset over this vase?" And then I sat and closed my eyes and just listened. It wasn't long.

"That vase is a metaphor for life," she began. "Life is fragile. At any moment it can slip through your hands and shatter. No one knows their number of days here. That's why it's important to choose wisely, to laugh with all the energy you can muster, and to love as if tomorrow may never come. It may not. So LIVE your life, don't merely exist within its boundaries."

And then she fell silent and suddenly I felt the sun warm my face. You know, God, I needed a friend, and there she was. Thank you.

I Wonder...

"Come on, Grace!" I urged. "Don't be so tight-lipped. I've got to feel something here pretty soon. Talk to me."

Nothing.

I know! I'm stubborn. So in that stubbornness I decided to wait her out. I sat again in the sunlight and watched the world pass by. As the sleepy town woke from its reverie, I watched the sun rise. I love that the window faces east. There's nothing like a jolt of sunshine in your eye the first thing in the morning. I thought, "I've got to get some plants. This window is perfect for that." At about seven feet high and eleven feet wide, it's a gardener's paradise. As for me... plants are handed a life sentence when they are put into my care. Although... I haven't killed the little Christmas tree yet! And trust me, that's nothing short of a miracle. So, yeah, maybe that's what I'll do... start asking around for slips off other people's plants, get some Miracle Gro, and let the miracle happen. What's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah... that!

I checked to see if Grace would talk with me yet. Nothing.

Having just moved, I had things to do. I couldn't be messing around like this. She would come around eventually. So i decided to just let her be and get to making some moves like I was organizing things.

Right in the middle of righting the bed from a sideways position, it hit me! Left to my own devices, I would never dream of actually acquiring a plant, much less a bunch of them!!! Did you plant that in my head, Grace? (no pun intended lol) My God, you're sneaky, Grace! Welcome home!

I wonder...

A Perfect Day

Wow! January is the last time I posted. That's just not right.

Things should settle down now that I have moved. My goodness! This six months has been the longest century of my life. I thought this day would never come.

The day was non-eventful. I had prayed for that. It has finally arrived. I sat with Grace today. I wanted something to happen. Anything really. But it turned out to be just an extension of the non-eventfulness. I wanted to feel disappointed, but I was too tired. And so we sat in silence in the sunshine. The cat lay sprawled on the window ledge soaking up the warmth. His black fur felt hot to the touch.

People walked by. Two little girls with their mother stopped to look at him and then they saw me. They waved and I waved and smiled back. She hurried them away as if they had disturbed me. The sun felt good on my skin too and warmed the room nicely. I looked over at the wall where the mural will soon live. The computer was whirring doing its scans. I thought, "I'm home... finally."

So much needs to be done. But then, I needed to rest too. Tomorrow is another day. And so I closed the blinds and laid down to rest. I awoke refreshed in my mind, but still bone weary. Maybe tomorrow, Grace... maybe tomorrow.

As for today, it was a perfect day.

Grace Is A Blonde

I've decided Grace must be a blonde.

How else could she impart such wisdom and yet be totally unaware that it is wisdom she imparts?

Ohhhh, the life of a thinker!

The Waves

I sat with Grace today for a long time. She gives me such hope and inspiration. It isn't often that I've been aware of happenings around me. But now it's becoming commonplace. Many people would liken it to being anesthetized. Surely I was in some manner. But that is all gone now and Grace puts perspective on my life.

I read an article about never reaching full potential. Of course, it was centered around the money issues of life. I read them sometimes to try to inspire myself. It usually doesn't work. But there was something odd about this particular one. I am convinced I was 'supposed' to read it. Some would argue that point, but they would sure look silly sitting there arguing with themselves. I would find no reason or desire to have to engage in battle over such a thing.

After I read the article (about having a million dollar idea and never doing anything with it), I sat with Grace. One idea after another flooded my mind. And that's just how that works. They come 'out of the blue' it seems. And such is the overflow of creativity. At first I was astounded. The mind did its tricks trying to convince me that it just wouldn't work, but I pushed them away. I wrote the ideas down writing faster and faster. And when they stopped... they just stopped.

Exhilaration was left behind by the experience. And a peace and a calm followed. I sat with Grace and just let the waves wash over me one after another and I felt cleansed...

And I wondered.... I wondered...

The Senses

What a difference a few days can make, God. Sometimes, it's just a few hours... maybe less.

Wounded hearts can mend. Hard feelings can disappear. All I ever have to do is trust in you.

Why is that so hard for us humans to do? Why do we resist when we know inside that it's an exercise in futility? We're ecstatic with this thing called free will. If you ask me, it's a big pain. I long for those days when I trust you completely. I yearn to feel a sense of belonging and rest. Why do I fight you so?

The great mysteries of life, huh? Eyes to see the miracle of love, ears to hear the joyous spirit sing, tongues to encourage the downtrodden, noses to smell the sweetness of freedom and arms to hold our loved ones ever closer. What else could we possibly need aside from you? And yet we make it all so very complicated.

Why'd you do that?

The Wounded Heart

Can you hear me, God?

I'm not acceptable to my friend. "How can that be?" I wonder. And yet, that is what was said.

My heart hurts. In whose eyes does the rejection matter anyway? Not yours. Only mine, I guess.

My mind goes back to days where nothing was acceptable in my life. And then there came a kind of peace that enfolded me when I discovered that I was acceptable to you even though I was badly broken. The truth was that it was because I was broken I turned to you and found the sweetness and joy no other can provide.

And as long as we're talking about truth, maybe the statement just showed me how unacceptable I am to myself. I work on that daily. You know that. But in a moment of carelessness, all that work seems to have vaporized. In reality I know it didn't. The wounded heart can't see. It can only feel the pain.

I will sleep now... waiting for a brighter tomorrow. Heal my heart. Make me whole.

Desiderata

I ran across this again today. Fitting I think considering the past week.

Thank you for allowing me to find it, God.

With A Full Heart

Day Three - 239 pounds

I stand before you, God, humble and embarrassed. I thought ten days would be a breeze. I barely completed three. I broke the fast. I'm sorry. These are my observations...

My embarrassment comes from being naive (or is it arrogant?) and believing that I could accomplish ten days. I have been told that others have failed a-plenty when it comes to fasting. Most don't make it past 24 hours. That doesn't make me feel much better. For a long time now, I have known it is not good to measure myself against others. There will always be weaker and stronger ones. To measure my progress against my prior attempts is the only true way to determine how well I have done. This event is the baseline for all others I may attempt never having tried this before. But it is good to have the information on statistics about others at hand anyway.

My purpose in doing this was to feel close to you. But I spent so much time thinking about how awful I felt that I sorely missed that mark. The concerns of the flesh are powerful indeed. The aches, the pains, the nausea - they all took precedence over being connected with you.

And yet... here we are God... You and Me! I am not sure what you feel or think. I am only left with myself. A big part of me wants to believe I failed. And perhaps I failed at lasting ten days. But I succeeded in lasting three days and ended up here with you. So how much of a failure could that be?

I feel small in your presence. I feel 'right-size.' I feel like if I cried I would never stop. My heart is full and my soul feels free. Is this what it's all about? I feel like I have given over something to you. I'm not sure what that is, but I feel lighter in my burdens. I feel peaceful and at rest with the world. Is this what I was looking for? Because it feels so wonderful!

I feel as though you have healed something. What I am not sure. But I feel safe cradled in your hands knowing that in spite of myself, I can still do magical things in your presence. I will think on these things, God. I will pray for guidance and right-thinking. I will try to hold onto this feeling as long as I can.

Thank you for helping me. Thank you for helping me see beyond myself. I will talk with you later...

Day Two (the close)

Well, God... I'm hurting... as you know. I don't know what to do about it. Left to myself, it is abundantly clear to me that I have no control over simple things.

My body aches. My stomach is in an uproar. My thoughts are consumed by those things. They should be on you and your grace. I haven't given in yet, obviously.

For today, I just know that I am doing the right thing, however painful and unpleasant it is. Confusion reigns and you know that isn't a good thing for me. In that atmosphere I can convince myself of anything. But for now, I will call it a day and place myself in your hands hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Thank you for leading me to that article about fasting. It put things in perspective for me. And in spite of the turmoil I am feeling, I will do my best to continue. You only fail when you cease trying. I ask that you watch over me in my slumber and that you shine your light so I can find my way.

You're an awesome God and it's really no mystery the extent of your benevolence. The mystery for me, lies in the fact that you would give me a second thought. That is a miracle to me - and for me.

Good night, God. Thy will be done, not mine.

Day Two (cont'd)

Day Two has been nothing but a love/hate relationship.

It started out very good, too good. It deteriorated into a near miss and then bounced back. It was a day of doubts, anxiety, stress and outright hunger. The fruit juice in the morning was barely tolerable. The veggie juice gagged me and I couldn't do it. A lone cup of tea was the only satisfying thing all day, and I'm not a big tea fan. I usually drink it when I'm not feeling well, so there aren't many positive connotations to it.

The fight has been internal. My mind kept playing stupid games all day. At one point I was ready to throw the towel in, and then I thought, "Maybe I'll give it five more minutes." That seemed to take care of the urge. Most urges pass within minutes if we only take notice of it.

And yet, here, now, at the end of the day, I find it difficult to believe I survived it. It's also hard to find any sense of accomplishment for the day although tomorrow might give me a different perspective. I knew it would be no picnic. I guess I wasn't prepared for how hard hard was going to be.

I know it's all in my mind. I just have to get over these initial hurdles. Fasting isn't supposed to be pleasant. It's a time of sacrifice and deprivation. I knew it going in. I have to now believe that I can go another mile. Today is almost done. And it will end as it usually does with encouraging words from my best friend. So that's a BIG positive in an otherwise nearly unendurable day. So I will focus on that now and hope that tomorrow brings new adventures in the journey.

Thank you, God... one more time for putting up with my whining. I don't know what I would do without you.

Day Two

Day Two - 245 pounds

I woke up a couple of hours ago and everything was rosy. The sun was bright, my head felt clear (with no pain) and my stomach didn't hurt. I had a fruit smoothie and now I feel nauseous.

I can't seem to get the taste of the grapefruit off my tongue. No amount of toothpaste, mouthwash or water is working. I'm sure that will pass. The headache isn't present. I'm glad for that. The lower part of the stomach still feels warm though... I'm not sure what that is.

My friend was making chocolate milk for her grandson. I watched her stir the syrup into the milk. It seemed like every pore of my body screamed for it. I left the room to avoid the temptation. I would have pure, spring water. It would be better for me.

I'm trying to gauge my energy level, but I'm not sure how to do that. I feel very alert, but in another sense I feel fatigued. I slept rather long for me. Usually I am up several times in the night. Last night only once. So that was really good for me. I will see what the rest of the day brings.

Thank you, God, for helping me to walk away from the temptation. I'm sure it will get easier. I'll be back later with more. In the meantime, I will remain...

Day One (cont'd)

As the day has progressed I have discovered a few things.

My desire for food is indeed greater than my need for it. My head keeps telling me I am hungry, but my stomach tells me I am full. Thank you, God, for the insights. Stepping back from myself, it is a most incredible observation.

My body seems to be in some sort of revolt. I am experiencing flu-like symptoms. The healthy food I have taken in in the form of juice is wreaking havoc on my system. The biggest and most prominent symptom is the nausea, followed quickly by the headache. The upper part of my stomach gurgles almost constantly. The lower part below the navel feels warm to the touch. Although I have ingested nearly two liters of water, my mouth feels dry. My sinuses alternate between extreme dryness and leaking like a faucet. Yes, the body is absolutely reacting.

I can see the largest obstacle is going to be in the temptation of my mind. Obsession is, and always has been, the problem in this area. My mother used to say, "Once you get something in your head, you know it's not in your feet." It didn't make any sense as a child. Still doesn't to some degree. But what I find is that the second part of the sentence could be anything. It's the first part that's the kicker. Because once I get something in my mind... well, I'm sure you can fill in the rest.

How do I change my mind then? How do I convince my mind that I'm not starving to death, that this is a good thing I am doing for myself, that no matter what it says to me, it is not going to be heard?

Old fashioned will power? I think not. Oh yes, it has worked before. But I want some modicum of peace and serenity surrounding this event. It won't all be peaches and cream (pardon the intrusion here LOL), but I have a right to believe that I can do good things for myself and not sabotage myself in the meantime. So what can I do?

Previous teachings tell me that life is very simple. Trust God, clean house, serve others. Why do I complicate it, God? It's that human thing, isn't it?

So I tell you right now, God. I place this in your hands. I trust that you will see me through this and that I will find success. Why wouldn't you take care of me? Even the sparrows are in your care. In the meantime, I will look within and see what needs to be addressed. I will listen to others and help when I can. You will take care of me. You always do. Thanks again for listening.