With A Full Heart

Day Three - 239 pounds

I stand before you, God, humble and embarrassed. I thought ten days would be a breeze. I barely completed three. I broke the fast. I'm sorry. These are my observations...

My embarrassment comes from being naive (or is it arrogant?) and believing that I could accomplish ten days. I have been told that others have failed a-plenty when it comes to fasting. Most don't make it past 24 hours. That doesn't make me feel much better. For a long time now, I have known it is not good to measure myself against others. There will always be weaker and stronger ones. To measure my progress against my prior attempts is the only true way to determine how well I have done. This event is the baseline for all others I may attempt never having tried this before. But it is good to have the information on statistics about others at hand anyway.

My purpose in doing this was to feel close to you. But I spent so much time thinking about how awful I felt that I sorely missed that mark. The concerns of the flesh are powerful indeed. The aches, the pains, the nausea - they all took precedence over being connected with you.

And yet... here we are God... You and Me! I am not sure what you feel or think. I am only left with myself. A big part of me wants to believe I failed. And perhaps I failed at lasting ten days. But I succeeded in lasting three days and ended up here with you. So how much of a failure could that be?

I feel small in your presence. I feel 'right-size.' I feel like if I cried I would never stop. My heart is full and my soul feels free. Is this what it's all about? I feel like I have given over something to you. I'm not sure what that is, but I feel lighter in my burdens. I feel peaceful and at rest with the world. Is this what I was looking for? Because it feels so wonderful!

I feel as though you have healed something. What I am not sure. But I feel safe cradled in your hands knowing that in spite of myself, I can still do magical things in your presence. I will think on these things, God. I will pray for guidance and right-thinking. I will try to hold onto this feeling as long as I can.

Thank you for helping me. Thank you for helping me see beyond myself. I will talk with you later...