The Fear

Oh my God! Did you hear that?

My mind said, "You know, you really shouldn't start the fast this weekend. The kids are going to be here and you know what a mess that can be sometimes. You should wait until Monday when things will be calmer." All the literature suggests a calm and peaceful environment to begin and for the duration of a fast.

I felt the panic build instantly. And then I stopped to examine exactly what the problem is. Fortunately, earlier I had read more on the issue. One thing that caught my eye (you're so good to me) was that fasting is a sacrifice, a time of deprivation. It isn't supposed to feel good in the short term. It's a cleansing of body and soul. If anyone knows, I do, about how painful a reality can be. You have taught me that. So what's the real issue here?

I recognize it immediately, God. It's my old friend, Fear. But the paradox isn't that I am afraid I will fail. The truth is that I am afraid I will succeed. Pick a scenario, any scenario, and that has more or less been the theme of my life. Fear of success more so than failure has prevented me from following through on so many hopes and dreams.

But I feel like this time it's different. And why is that? The answer is simple. They were pipe dreams and although I would have wanted to accomplish many of them, they were not necessary in the grand scheme of my life. This exercise is. I feel like it will determine my relationship with you for the rest of my life. That can be a scary thought.

Failure has been a constant companion of mine for a long time. The only successes I had were when you accompanied me. Hindsight is 20/20 and very revealing. And albeit a limited sight, I knew even at those times that you were there by my side.

And now I seek a deeper closeness to you. Instead of being afraid I won't make that connection, I am afraid I will. We humans are strange creatures, huh, God? Such fragile things that second guess themselves at the drop of a hat.

I'm glad you allowed me this insight. It makes my journey a little easier. Because I've been told after all, if God seems far away, who moved? I know it wasn't you. It is self-sabotage to cancel the plans I had for this experience. It would be a mistake to do that, however difficult it may be. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. The first step is believing you will be there by side throughout to provide the strength to continue on.

I'm sorry I doubted that. Because isn't that what fear is? False Evidence Appearing Real? But fear serves an important purpose. In conquering our fear, we become fearless and, in that respect, is necessary for us to grow. Funny how that works.

I thank you for the opportunity to move on. I thank you for being kind and loving to me and to allow me to glimpse myself through an other's eyes... Yours.