Grace Is A Blonde

I've decided Grace must be a blonde.

How else could she impart such wisdom and yet be totally unaware that it is wisdom she imparts?

Ohhhh, the life of a thinker!

The Waves

I sat with Grace today for a long time. She gives me such hope and inspiration. It isn't often that I've been aware of happenings around me. But now it's becoming commonplace. Many people would liken it to being anesthetized. Surely I was in some manner. But that is all gone now and Grace puts perspective on my life.

I read an article about never reaching full potential. Of course, it was centered around the money issues of life. I read them sometimes to try to inspire myself. It usually doesn't work. But there was something odd about this particular one. I am convinced I was 'supposed' to read it. Some would argue that point, but they would sure look silly sitting there arguing with themselves. I would find no reason or desire to have to engage in battle over such a thing.

After I read the article (about having a million dollar idea and never doing anything with it), I sat with Grace. One idea after another flooded my mind. And that's just how that works. They come 'out of the blue' it seems. And such is the overflow of creativity. At first I was astounded. The mind did its tricks trying to convince me that it just wouldn't work, but I pushed them away. I wrote the ideas down writing faster and faster. And when they stopped... they just stopped.

Exhilaration was left behind by the experience. And a peace and a calm followed. I sat with Grace and just let the waves wash over me one after another and I felt cleansed...

And I wondered.... I wondered...

The Senses

What a difference a few days can make, God. Sometimes, it's just a few hours... maybe less.

Wounded hearts can mend. Hard feelings can disappear. All I ever have to do is trust in you.

Why is that so hard for us humans to do? Why do we resist when we know inside that it's an exercise in futility? We're ecstatic with this thing called free will. If you ask me, it's a big pain. I long for those days when I trust you completely. I yearn to feel a sense of belonging and rest. Why do I fight you so?

The great mysteries of life, huh? Eyes to see the miracle of love, ears to hear the joyous spirit sing, tongues to encourage the downtrodden, noses to smell the sweetness of freedom and arms to hold our loved ones ever closer. What else could we possibly need aside from you? And yet we make it all so very complicated.

Why'd you do that?

The Wounded Heart

Can you hear me, God?

I'm not acceptable to my friend. "How can that be?" I wonder. And yet, that is what was said.

My heart hurts. In whose eyes does the rejection matter anyway? Not yours. Only mine, I guess.

My mind goes back to days where nothing was acceptable in my life. And then there came a kind of peace that enfolded me when I discovered that I was acceptable to you even though I was badly broken. The truth was that it was because I was broken I turned to you and found the sweetness and joy no other can provide.

And as long as we're talking about truth, maybe the statement just showed me how unacceptable I am to myself. I work on that daily. You know that. But in a moment of carelessness, all that work seems to have vaporized. In reality I know it didn't. The wounded heart can't see. It can only feel the pain.

I will sleep now... waiting for a brighter tomorrow. Heal my heart. Make me whole.

Desiderata

I ran across this again today. Fitting I think considering the past week.

Thank you for allowing me to find it, God.

With A Full Heart

Day Three - 239 pounds

I stand before you, God, humble and embarrassed. I thought ten days would be a breeze. I barely completed three. I broke the fast. I'm sorry. These are my observations...

My embarrassment comes from being naive (or is it arrogant?) and believing that I could accomplish ten days. I have been told that others have failed a-plenty when it comes to fasting. Most don't make it past 24 hours. That doesn't make me feel much better. For a long time now, I have known it is not good to measure myself against others. There will always be weaker and stronger ones. To measure my progress against my prior attempts is the only true way to determine how well I have done. This event is the baseline for all others I may attempt never having tried this before. But it is good to have the information on statistics about others at hand anyway.

My purpose in doing this was to feel close to you. But I spent so much time thinking about how awful I felt that I sorely missed that mark. The concerns of the flesh are powerful indeed. The aches, the pains, the nausea - they all took precedence over being connected with you.

And yet... here we are God... You and Me! I am not sure what you feel or think. I am only left with myself. A big part of me wants to believe I failed. And perhaps I failed at lasting ten days. But I succeeded in lasting three days and ended up here with you. So how much of a failure could that be?

I feel small in your presence. I feel 'right-size.' I feel like if I cried I would never stop. My heart is full and my soul feels free. Is this what it's all about? I feel like I have given over something to you. I'm not sure what that is, but I feel lighter in my burdens. I feel peaceful and at rest with the world. Is this what I was looking for? Because it feels so wonderful!

I feel as though you have healed something. What I am not sure. But I feel safe cradled in your hands knowing that in spite of myself, I can still do magical things in your presence. I will think on these things, God. I will pray for guidance and right-thinking. I will try to hold onto this feeling as long as I can.

Thank you for helping me. Thank you for helping me see beyond myself. I will talk with you later...

Day Two (the close)

Well, God... I'm hurting... as you know. I don't know what to do about it. Left to myself, it is abundantly clear to me that I have no control over simple things.

My body aches. My stomach is in an uproar. My thoughts are consumed by those things. They should be on you and your grace. I haven't given in yet, obviously.

For today, I just know that I am doing the right thing, however painful and unpleasant it is. Confusion reigns and you know that isn't a good thing for me. In that atmosphere I can convince myself of anything. But for now, I will call it a day and place myself in your hands hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Thank you for leading me to that article about fasting. It put things in perspective for me. And in spite of the turmoil I am feeling, I will do my best to continue. You only fail when you cease trying. I ask that you watch over me in my slumber and that you shine your light so I can find my way.

You're an awesome God and it's really no mystery the extent of your benevolence. The mystery for me, lies in the fact that you would give me a second thought. That is a miracle to me - and for me.

Good night, God. Thy will be done, not mine.

Day Two (cont'd)

Day Two has been nothing but a love/hate relationship.

It started out very good, too good. It deteriorated into a near miss and then bounced back. It was a day of doubts, anxiety, stress and outright hunger. The fruit juice in the morning was barely tolerable. The veggie juice gagged me and I couldn't do it. A lone cup of tea was the only satisfying thing all day, and I'm not a big tea fan. I usually drink it when I'm not feeling well, so there aren't many positive connotations to it.

The fight has been internal. My mind kept playing stupid games all day. At one point I was ready to throw the towel in, and then I thought, "Maybe I'll give it five more minutes." That seemed to take care of the urge. Most urges pass within minutes if we only take notice of it.

And yet, here, now, at the end of the day, I find it difficult to believe I survived it. It's also hard to find any sense of accomplishment for the day although tomorrow might give me a different perspective. I knew it would be no picnic. I guess I wasn't prepared for how hard hard was going to be.

I know it's all in my mind. I just have to get over these initial hurdles. Fasting isn't supposed to be pleasant. It's a time of sacrifice and deprivation. I knew it going in. I have to now believe that I can go another mile. Today is almost done. And it will end as it usually does with encouraging words from my best friend. So that's a BIG positive in an otherwise nearly unendurable day. So I will focus on that now and hope that tomorrow brings new adventures in the journey.

Thank you, God... one more time for putting up with my whining. I don't know what I would do without you.

Day Two

Day Two - 245 pounds

I woke up a couple of hours ago and everything was rosy. The sun was bright, my head felt clear (with no pain) and my stomach didn't hurt. I had a fruit smoothie and now I feel nauseous.

I can't seem to get the taste of the grapefruit off my tongue. No amount of toothpaste, mouthwash or water is working. I'm sure that will pass. The headache isn't present. I'm glad for that. The lower part of the stomach still feels warm though... I'm not sure what that is.

My friend was making chocolate milk for her grandson. I watched her stir the syrup into the milk. It seemed like every pore of my body screamed for it. I left the room to avoid the temptation. I would have pure, spring water. It would be better for me.

I'm trying to gauge my energy level, but I'm not sure how to do that. I feel very alert, but in another sense I feel fatigued. I slept rather long for me. Usually I am up several times in the night. Last night only once. So that was really good for me. I will see what the rest of the day brings.

Thank you, God, for helping me to walk away from the temptation. I'm sure it will get easier. I'll be back later with more. In the meantime, I will remain...

Day One (cont'd)

As the day has progressed I have discovered a few things.

My desire for food is indeed greater than my need for it. My head keeps telling me I am hungry, but my stomach tells me I am full. Thank you, God, for the insights. Stepping back from myself, it is a most incredible observation.

My body seems to be in some sort of revolt. I am experiencing flu-like symptoms. The healthy food I have taken in in the form of juice is wreaking havoc on my system. The biggest and most prominent symptom is the nausea, followed quickly by the headache. The upper part of my stomach gurgles almost constantly. The lower part below the navel feels warm to the touch. Although I have ingested nearly two liters of water, my mouth feels dry. My sinuses alternate between extreme dryness and leaking like a faucet. Yes, the body is absolutely reacting.

I can see the largest obstacle is going to be in the temptation of my mind. Obsession is, and always has been, the problem in this area. My mother used to say, "Once you get something in your head, you know it's not in your feet." It didn't make any sense as a child. Still doesn't to some degree. But what I find is that the second part of the sentence could be anything. It's the first part that's the kicker. Because once I get something in my mind... well, I'm sure you can fill in the rest.

How do I change my mind then? How do I convince my mind that I'm not starving to death, that this is a good thing I am doing for myself, that no matter what it says to me, it is not going to be heard?

Old fashioned will power? I think not. Oh yes, it has worked before. But I want some modicum of peace and serenity surrounding this event. It won't all be peaches and cream (pardon the intrusion here LOL), but I have a right to believe that I can do good things for myself and not sabotage myself in the meantime. So what can I do?

Previous teachings tell me that life is very simple. Trust God, clean house, serve others. Why do I complicate it, God? It's that human thing, isn't it?

So I tell you right now, God. I place this in your hands. I trust that you will see me through this and that I will find success. Why wouldn't you take care of me? Even the sparrows are in your care. In the meantime, I will look within and see what needs to be addressed. I will listen to others and help when I can. You will take care of me. You always do. Thanks again for listening.

Day One

Day One - 249 pounds

If Day One is any indication, this isn't going to be pleasant for a while.

The head feels as though it's coming off. The nausea comes in waves. And the dizziness! Wow!

The body isn't used to good nutritional food. I've been feeding it junk for so long that it thinks healthy food is poison. It will adjust. But will I survive it?

I sat in my chair looking out the window. It was bright, but cold today. The glare of the sun nearly hurt my eyes. And yet I could feel a draft coming in under the door. It was a bitter cold, around 20 degrees with a steady wind, not strong, but enough to drive the wind chill down to zero. It is that time of the year however, when sub-zero temperatures ice the heart over. Just let me stay in and not have to face it.

Help me, God, to get through this feeling of nausea and dizziness. I'm going to lay down for a while and hope it passes. Thank you God, for all your help.

The Fear

Oh my God! Did you hear that?

My mind said, "You know, you really shouldn't start the fast this weekend. The kids are going to be here and you know what a mess that can be sometimes. You should wait until Monday when things will be calmer." All the literature suggests a calm and peaceful environment to begin and for the duration of a fast.

I felt the panic build instantly. And then I stopped to examine exactly what the problem is. Fortunately, earlier I had read more on the issue. One thing that caught my eye (you're so good to me) was that fasting is a sacrifice, a time of deprivation. It isn't supposed to feel good in the short term. It's a cleansing of body and soul. If anyone knows, I do, about how painful a reality can be. You have taught me that. So what's the real issue here?

I recognize it immediately, God. It's my old friend, Fear. But the paradox isn't that I am afraid I will fail. The truth is that I am afraid I will succeed. Pick a scenario, any scenario, and that has more or less been the theme of my life. Fear of success more so than failure has prevented me from following through on so many hopes and dreams.

But I feel like this time it's different. And why is that? The answer is simple. They were pipe dreams and although I would have wanted to accomplish many of them, they were not necessary in the grand scheme of my life. This exercise is. I feel like it will determine my relationship with you for the rest of my life. That can be a scary thought.

Failure has been a constant companion of mine for a long time. The only successes I had were when you accompanied me. Hindsight is 20/20 and very revealing. And albeit a limited sight, I knew even at those times that you were there by my side.

And now I seek a deeper closeness to you. Instead of being afraid I won't make that connection, I am afraid I will. We humans are strange creatures, huh, God? Such fragile things that second guess themselves at the drop of a hat.

I'm glad you allowed me this insight. It makes my journey a little easier. Because I've been told after all, if God seems far away, who moved? I know it wasn't you. It is self-sabotage to cancel the plans I had for this experience. It would be a mistake to do that, however difficult it may be. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. The first step is believing you will be there by side throughout to provide the strength to continue on.

I'm sorry I doubted that. Because isn't that what fear is? False Evidence Appearing Real? But fear serves an important purpose. In conquering our fear, we become fearless and, in that respect, is necessary for us to grow. Funny how that works.

I thank you for the opportunity to move on. I thank you for being kind and loving to me and to allow me to glimpse myself through an other's eyes... Yours.

Fasting

I didn't forget about you, God. The breathing was so bad this morning and the errands were all over me. Taking the next breath was a chore.

I didn't sleep last night... again. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. There's a traffic jam, for sure, but not that overwhelming confusion I am used to experiencing. The preparations are underway for our meeting. I am trying not to be too expectant of it, but that is so hard.

I've been away from you so very long. But this new experience is my first attempt at such a thing. With my love affair for food, I am surprised actually that I am so excited about it. But then the last year has been nothing but one surprise after another.

Fasting, in my mind, was only for what I perceived as the holy ones. I certainly wouldn't fit into that category. I really believed it was reserved for the shamans and the priests and the ones who are known to do your work. I didn't know the common man could do such a thing.

It isn't as if I don't ask you for things all the time. But, God... I really need your help on this one. I know I won't achieve my goal if I don't begin by looking to you. Help me to just get over myself, and around myself. It is true that people are their own worst enemy sometimes.

I don't like placing expectations on this process. But were it not for others extolling the virtues of it, I wouldn't even know about for one thing. And I certainly wouldn't be interested in it. All I have read just draws me to the process even more. The only thing I can think of is that, very simply, it is time.

Your plans are always so very much better than my own. And the way I figure it is that if it is looming in front of me, there is a reason for that. I can't walk away from it if it is truly you beckoning. And so I ask your help in getting through it.

As always, you are a loving God who helps his children. Thank you in advance. It's on its way.

Eyes Wide Open

Hi God... it's me again.

I bet you never thought this would happen - to hear from me twice in one day. And what a day it was! Of course, you already know that, don't you?

This forum for talking with you afforded me a wonderful miracle today. I found myself thinking about you all day long. Each time my mind tried to distract me into some other form of unhealthy thought, there I was thinking about you and, really, how could I have had anything but a good day doing that?

I've long said, "Change your thinking, change the world." I knew it was true. I just didn't know how to change my thinking in a deliberate way. Today it seemed almost automatic. I felt this odd sense of calm all around me. You know how chaotic my life can be. Nothing changed today (in my life, that is). The only difference was my thought process.

This morning I asked for your help. I supposed it would come 'sometime.' I just didn't think it would be immediate. How little faith I have sometimes. I realized today that there are times when the help is there and available. I just can't see it because my sight is elsewhere. I asked to see and, in your grace, I could.

I know every day won't be so good. The good ones sustain us during the bad ones. But the bad ones have their purpose too. They teach us to appreciate the good ones even more.

I will rest easy tonight cradled in thoughts of you and your goodness. I thank you, God, for what my friend, Dominic, would call 'a wonderful, normal day.' I'll see you in the morning, eyes wide open, waiting for another lesson at your feet.

Stripping the Veil

I come to you bruised and battered, battle-worn and weary. I was so broken early on. I recovered with your help.

But I am human and I forget. Yes, I float on that sea of forgetfulness oblivious to anything but my own desires. I forget people, I forget hopes and dreams, and worst of all, I forget You, God.

So lost was I that I contemplated my own death. I seriously thought about ending it prematurely. But even then you brought me back from the depths of desperation and hopelessness. I wonder why sometimes. What do I have to offer? I am so weak most times. I am sure there are others that would serve you better. Why do you insist on keeping me here?

I suppose I will have all those answers one day. And being the human I am, I am nearly convinced I will laugh at myself for having had all this doubt, all this fear.

The dark veil of life creeps in like fog and falls over my eyes blinding me to true knowledge, true enlightenment. It distracts me and not only blurs my vision, but at times, distorts everything until it is indistinguishable. Those glimpses you allow me of clarity, hope, freedom and love are beyond compare. They only leave me yearning for more.

But being that human entity, I discourage easily... almost too easily, I'm afraid. I wonder why you put up with me. I cannot see the error of my ways many times and yet you guide me back and teach me how to try to perceive life in the most awesome ways. Why do you not give up on me? Why do I appease my lower instincts and give up on myself?

You always listen so well. I feel ashamed sometimes that I cannot (or will not) hear. Perhaps you can help me to become aware of that sooner so I can listen more effectively to the angels you send me, so I can listen with open ears to You, God. Yes, Dear God, strip away the veil and allow me to see more clearly that I may serve you better.

Thank you for listening and thank you in advance for your help on this day. It's going to be a wonderful day!

You and me, God! Do you think they stand a chance?