I awoke from that shrieking sound. It encompassed me and seemed to swallow me up. And then I realized it was me who was screaming.
What was that, God? What was so horrible I cannot remember it? Maybe it's just as well, huh? I prefer those silent dreams of silken breezes and gossamer wings. But then... they can't all be sweetness and joy.
Perhaps the dreamcatcher will find something more soothing the next time around.
For a long time I didn't know of your Grace. Oh I had heard of it. Aunt Ellie used to talk about God's favors, His Grace. She may as well have been talking about the development of rocket fuel as far as I was concerned.
She pointed out to me several times in her life that God had reached out his hand and helped her. I was happy for her really. I just couldn't see what good all this talking had to do with it. It wasn't as if He was going to reach out that same hand to me or anyone else. I thought she was special and deserved it so much more than myself or more than half the people I knew. In that sense it was perfectly clear to me why He would bestow all those blessings on her.
And then a long fast forward... and His hand reached down at a time when I was broken. His Grace flooded my life and I was wrenched back from the brink of a sure death. Not a lot changed in the following few years. Outside circumstances did. But inside I was still a shriveled mess doomed to mediocrity at best.
Another fast forward... and His hand reached down at a time when I was broken. His Grace flooded my life and I was wrenched back from the brink of a sure death. But this time everything changed.
To be granted Grace in one's lifetime is the most absolute blessing one can receive. But twice? The odds are phenomenal.
Aunt Ellie has long passed now. Her words ring in my ears many days. They are no longer rocket science to me. She would have loved this poster. It symbolizes how willing we are to drink of the Living Blood of God when situations and circumstances are going in our favor. But how willing are we to stand steadfast in times of trouble and worry?
Like bebes we cry out and are fed unselfishly. Were it that we should be so blessed as to always have our way. But troubles hone character and dignity. With them comes growth that we should grasp with all the fervor that we held the bottle as a bebe. For in letting go we find more to hang onto. In letting go we find ourselves amid the Grace of the Living God.
God, how does one replace a feeling inside? How can one feel a wholeness when there is a great hole? And I don't mean being separate from you or feeling apart from family and friends. I mean that feeling when you know that nothing will ever be quite the same again. How does one get rid of that sick hole in their heart?
I want to feel safe again like I did when I was a child. I want that feeling that if I remember that I forgot to lock the door I don't have to rush to lock it before the boogie men come in a home invasion.
I want that carefree feeling that I can walk the streets and not feel like a mark for some mugger, rapist or murderer.
I want to go into a mall and not have to worry that some nut is going to come in and start randomly shooting helpless victims.
I want to know that my friends children can go to school and only have to worry about a little peer pressure, not weapons and drugs.
I want to feel free to travel without having to practically strip at the check in point. And once past it, I don't want to have to worry about sitting inside the perfect bomb if hijackers decide to go home and decide to take the whole of the plane with them.
When exactly was it that the world went crazy? What happened to the gene pool that suddenly bred such mutations of humanity? Who decided to tell only the news that they thought we should know and not the truth? Why now? What does a person do now? Help me understand. Let me not forget the atrocities that man has done to man. Help me forgive them and give me hope.
Dear God...
As I was combing the Internet for pictures, I ran across this picture. All I could think when I looked at it was that it was Your Heart. Captured by the Hubble telescope, it is very inappropriately named by a series of numbers and letters: V838 Mon. How demeaning to a Glorious God. I choose to call it God's Heart.
There are many fabulous photos circulating that were taken by the Hubble. It shows Your Glory and You magnificent imagination. I could never dream of such images. But I will now. Thank you for leading me to them.
It has been an enlightening day, God. Risk has never come easy for me. I would rather say nothing than feel threatened. But I have learned to trust in the small voice within which I believe is You.
I ask myself questions. It helps me to know if it is just my will overriding Yours. Always the hardest question is, "What will be the result of my inaction?" Even doing nothing is a choice. Is it the choice You would have me make?
I sat for a long time to evaluate the risk. What was the compromise to be made, if any? How would the person's opinion of me change? How would I feel if it did? Was this menacing feeling valid or was it simply trying to convince me to do nothing?
In the end, I realized I was prompted to take the risk for a reason. Those impulses don't come out of thin air. I choose to believe it is You nudging me. For if I was stirred so deeply, who is to say that someone else would not be? Who am I to withhold another person's pleasure and/or enlightenment? I decided to heed the call from within.
I got one response. It was uplifting. I wonder how I might have felt if it wasn't. In any event, I feel good that I just obeyed. I believe the little push came from You. It is all the stimulus I will ever need. That's all I need to know.
