The Seed

Can you hear me, God?

How does this happen? I give and give and give... and then when I need something, anything it seems, I have to grovel in order to get it. Why is that?

I have learned there is only one thing a person has to do to be of value in this life. Just ONE thing, and yet most people have no clue about what it is. It's called paying attention. How hard can that be? It must be a very difficult task because it is nearly impossible to find another soul who understands exactly what that is. And it's virtually impossible to see someone else practice it.

I don't think I'm the strange one on this matter, but please let me know if I am wrong. I realize there are people who can't listen very well. I was on that list long ago. But along the way I came to know that a conversation is more than waiting for the other person to take a breath so I can rush in and blurt out my own ideas. I impart no great wisdom anyway. Most of my thoughts and advice aren't even original. I just pass on what has worked for me given to me by unselfish people who took the time to really listen to me.

The older I get, the more I feel that the world has turned sour and uncaring. And then I have those times where everyone is compassionate and giving and I am left feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself. But this time, God, this time, I really needed someone to listen. Phone calls weren't answered, much less returned. And so I'm left without options just one more time.

It's all about you anyway - trusting in you and believing that all is well in my world. And if it isn't, then it will be. Faith is a funny thing. Just when you think you don't have any you find you have just enough to see you through just one more minute, one more hour, one more day. I guess it's that mustard seed thing, huh?

Thanks for listening to me. I feel a lot better now. I know when no one else is home you are. When will I learn? I should have gone to you in the first place!

Shattered

Life was in slow motion as the vase slipped from my hands and slid through the air to the floor. That sensation of time suspension felt awkwardly familiar, but I couldn't place it just then. A thousand thoughts were running through my mind in that instant, and yet I could give attention to none of them in particular.

My disappointment overshadowed all the work I had accomplished so far today. Glass and cement don't mix. Neither do old age and moving. I felt those burning, stinging tears rise up to singe my eyeballs. Immediately I went to Grace for comfort... and answers.

My grief over the vase was misplaced and exaggerated. I had had it three days and had not even had a chance to become attached to it. It wasn't a gift unless you count the fact that I bought it for myself. In reality, I didn't even like it. But there was so much blue in the new apartment and I wanted something to match it. What disturbed me was that the grief wasn't matching the loss.

I sat at the window. Yesterday's inspiration of flowers adorning the sill was gone. The sky suited my mood, overcast and grey. Leftover leaves from the fall swirled in the wind. "Help me, Grace," I thought. "Why am I so upset over this vase?" And then I sat and closed my eyes and just listened. It wasn't long.

"That vase is a metaphor for life," she began. "Life is fragile. At any moment it can slip through your hands and shatter. No one knows their number of days here. That's why it's important to choose wisely, to laugh with all the energy you can muster, and to love as if tomorrow may never come. It may not. So LIVE your life, don't merely exist within its boundaries."

And then she fell silent and suddenly I felt the sun warm my face. You know, God, I needed a friend, and there she was. Thank you.

I Wonder...

"Come on, Grace!" I urged. "Don't be so tight-lipped. I've got to feel something here pretty soon. Talk to me."

Nothing.

I know! I'm stubborn. So in that stubbornness I decided to wait her out. I sat again in the sunlight and watched the world pass by. As the sleepy town woke from its reverie, I watched the sun rise. I love that the window faces east. There's nothing like a jolt of sunshine in your eye the first thing in the morning. I thought, "I've got to get some plants. This window is perfect for that." At about seven feet high and eleven feet wide, it's a gardener's paradise. As for me... plants are handed a life sentence when they are put into my care. Although... I haven't killed the little Christmas tree yet! And trust me, that's nothing short of a miracle. So, yeah, maybe that's what I'll do... start asking around for slips off other people's plants, get some Miracle Gro, and let the miracle happen. What's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah... that!

I checked to see if Grace would talk with me yet. Nothing.

Having just moved, I had things to do. I couldn't be messing around like this. She would come around eventually. So i decided to just let her be and get to making some moves like I was organizing things.

Right in the middle of righting the bed from a sideways position, it hit me! Left to my own devices, I would never dream of actually acquiring a plant, much less a bunch of them!!! Did you plant that in my head, Grace? (no pun intended lol) My God, you're sneaky, Grace! Welcome home!

I wonder...

A Perfect Day

Wow! January is the last time I posted. That's just not right.

Things should settle down now that I have moved. My goodness! This six months has been the longest century of my life. I thought this day would never come.

The day was non-eventful. I had prayed for that. It has finally arrived. I sat with Grace today. I wanted something to happen. Anything really. But it turned out to be just an extension of the non-eventfulness. I wanted to feel disappointed, but I was too tired. And so we sat in silence in the sunshine. The cat lay sprawled on the window ledge soaking up the warmth. His black fur felt hot to the touch.

People walked by. Two little girls with their mother stopped to look at him and then they saw me. They waved and I waved and smiled back. She hurried them away as if they had disturbed me. The sun felt good on my skin too and warmed the room nicely. I looked over at the wall where the mural will soon live. The computer was whirring doing its scans. I thought, "I'm home... finally."

So much needs to be done. But then, I needed to rest too. Tomorrow is another day. And so I closed the blinds and laid down to rest. I awoke refreshed in my mind, but still bone weary. Maybe tomorrow, Grace... maybe tomorrow.

As for today, it was a perfect day.