Day One

Day One - 249 pounds

If Day One is any indication, this isn't going to be pleasant for a while.

The head feels as though it's coming off. The nausea comes in waves. And the dizziness! Wow!

The body isn't used to good nutritional food. I've been feeding it junk for so long that it thinks healthy food is poison. It will adjust. But will I survive it?

I sat in my chair looking out the window. It was bright, but cold today. The glare of the sun nearly hurt my eyes. And yet I could feel a draft coming in under the door. It was a bitter cold, around 20 degrees with a steady wind, not strong, but enough to drive the wind chill down to zero. It is that time of the year however, when sub-zero temperatures ice the heart over. Just let me stay in and not have to face it.

Help me, God, to get through this feeling of nausea and dizziness. I'm going to lay down for a while and hope it passes. Thank you God, for all your help.

The Fear

Oh my God! Did you hear that?

My mind said, "You know, you really shouldn't start the fast this weekend. The kids are going to be here and you know what a mess that can be sometimes. You should wait until Monday when things will be calmer." All the literature suggests a calm and peaceful environment to begin and for the duration of a fast.

I felt the panic build instantly. And then I stopped to examine exactly what the problem is. Fortunately, earlier I had read more on the issue. One thing that caught my eye (you're so good to me) was that fasting is a sacrifice, a time of deprivation. It isn't supposed to feel good in the short term. It's a cleansing of body and soul. If anyone knows, I do, about how painful a reality can be. You have taught me that. So what's the real issue here?

I recognize it immediately, God. It's my old friend, Fear. But the paradox isn't that I am afraid I will fail. The truth is that I am afraid I will succeed. Pick a scenario, any scenario, and that has more or less been the theme of my life. Fear of success more so than failure has prevented me from following through on so many hopes and dreams.

But I feel like this time it's different. And why is that? The answer is simple. They were pipe dreams and although I would have wanted to accomplish many of them, they were not necessary in the grand scheme of my life. This exercise is. I feel like it will determine my relationship with you for the rest of my life. That can be a scary thought.

Failure has been a constant companion of mine for a long time. The only successes I had were when you accompanied me. Hindsight is 20/20 and very revealing. And albeit a limited sight, I knew even at those times that you were there by my side.

And now I seek a deeper closeness to you. Instead of being afraid I won't make that connection, I am afraid I will. We humans are strange creatures, huh, God? Such fragile things that second guess themselves at the drop of a hat.

I'm glad you allowed me this insight. It makes my journey a little easier. Because I've been told after all, if God seems far away, who moved? I know it wasn't you. It is self-sabotage to cancel the plans I had for this experience. It would be a mistake to do that, however difficult it may be. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. The first step is believing you will be there by side throughout to provide the strength to continue on.

I'm sorry I doubted that. Because isn't that what fear is? False Evidence Appearing Real? But fear serves an important purpose. In conquering our fear, we become fearless and, in that respect, is necessary for us to grow. Funny how that works.

I thank you for the opportunity to move on. I thank you for being kind and loving to me and to allow me to glimpse myself through an other's eyes... Yours.

Fasting

I didn't forget about you, God. The breathing was so bad this morning and the errands were all over me. Taking the next breath was a chore.

I didn't sleep last night... again. My mind is filled with so many thoughts. There's a traffic jam, for sure, but not that overwhelming confusion I am used to experiencing. The preparations are underway for our meeting. I am trying not to be too expectant of it, but that is so hard.

I've been away from you so very long. But this new experience is my first attempt at such a thing. With my love affair for food, I am surprised actually that I am so excited about it. But then the last year has been nothing but one surprise after another.

Fasting, in my mind, was only for what I perceived as the holy ones. I certainly wouldn't fit into that category. I really believed it was reserved for the shamans and the priests and the ones who are known to do your work. I didn't know the common man could do such a thing.

It isn't as if I don't ask you for things all the time. But, God... I really need your help on this one. I know I won't achieve my goal if I don't begin by looking to you. Help me to just get over myself, and around myself. It is true that people are their own worst enemy sometimes.

I don't like placing expectations on this process. But were it not for others extolling the virtues of it, I wouldn't even know about for one thing. And I certainly wouldn't be interested in it. All I have read just draws me to the process even more. The only thing I can think of is that, very simply, it is time.

Your plans are always so very much better than my own. And the way I figure it is that if it is looming in front of me, there is a reason for that. I can't walk away from it if it is truly you beckoning. And so I ask your help in getting through it.

As always, you are a loving God who helps his children. Thank you in advance. It's on its way.

Eyes Wide Open

Hi God... it's me again.

I bet you never thought this would happen - to hear from me twice in one day. And what a day it was! Of course, you already know that, don't you?

This forum for talking with you afforded me a wonderful miracle today. I found myself thinking about you all day long. Each time my mind tried to distract me into some other form of unhealthy thought, there I was thinking about you and, really, how could I have had anything but a good day doing that?

I've long said, "Change your thinking, change the world." I knew it was true. I just didn't know how to change my thinking in a deliberate way. Today it seemed almost automatic. I felt this odd sense of calm all around me. You know how chaotic my life can be. Nothing changed today (in my life, that is). The only difference was my thought process.

This morning I asked for your help. I supposed it would come 'sometime.' I just didn't think it would be immediate. How little faith I have sometimes. I realized today that there are times when the help is there and available. I just can't see it because my sight is elsewhere. I asked to see and, in your grace, I could.

I know every day won't be so good. The good ones sustain us during the bad ones. But the bad ones have their purpose too. They teach us to appreciate the good ones even more.

I will rest easy tonight cradled in thoughts of you and your goodness. I thank you, God, for what my friend, Dominic, would call 'a wonderful, normal day.' I'll see you in the morning, eyes wide open, waiting for another lesson at your feet.

Stripping the Veil

I come to you bruised and battered, battle-worn and weary. I was so broken early on. I recovered with your help.

But I am human and I forget. Yes, I float on that sea of forgetfulness oblivious to anything but my own desires. I forget people, I forget hopes and dreams, and worst of all, I forget You, God.

So lost was I that I contemplated my own death. I seriously thought about ending it prematurely. But even then you brought me back from the depths of desperation and hopelessness. I wonder why sometimes. What do I have to offer? I am so weak most times. I am sure there are others that would serve you better. Why do you insist on keeping me here?

I suppose I will have all those answers one day. And being the human I am, I am nearly convinced I will laugh at myself for having had all this doubt, all this fear.

The dark veil of life creeps in like fog and falls over my eyes blinding me to true knowledge, true enlightenment. It distracts me and not only blurs my vision, but at times, distorts everything until it is indistinguishable. Those glimpses you allow me of clarity, hope, freedom and love are beyond compare. They only leave me yearning for more.

But being that human entity, I discourage easily... almost too easily, I'm afraid. I wonder why you put up with me. I cannot see the error of my ways many times and yet you guide me back and teach me how to try to perceive life in the most awesome ways. Why do you not give up on me? Why do I appease my lower instincts and give up on myself?

You always listen so well. I feel ashamed sometimes that I cannot (or will not) hear. Perhaps you can help me to become aware of that sooner so I can listen more effectively to the angels you send me, so I can listen with open ears to You, God. Yes, Dear God, strip away the veil and allow me to see more clearly that I may serve you better.

Thank you for listening and thank you in advance for your help on this day. It's going to be a wonderful day!

You and me, God! Do you think they stand a chance?